i forgot i had this blog.. and it's been months since i've updated. i don't know who reads this.. i don't really care either.. but i was reminded about it by sarah and it was for that reason i came back to check up on it and update it. i was thinking of shutting it down altogether but i'm gn keep this site up n running cos its had its moments and i'll probably capture the posts for later.

since i last wrote in this blog, a whole lot has changed. im a completely different person now.. sounds cheesy but its true.. i havent been depressed or anxious, or in excruciating emotional pain to the extent that i used to be. im happy.. at peace.. everything's ok with the world.. nothing has really changed in it.. but everything that's changed is me. im not so bothered and affected by things anymore.. i feel quite free.

anyway.. i've actually been posting somewhere else about whats been happening and its not really something i care to put here. i have a feeling this whole blogging thing might come to an end but im not putting any stops on it now. things can change, as they do.. and shutting down this account is not really neccessary at this time. i think this will be my last post in a very long while tho. ok im in a rush.

bye!

   ok apparently all this stuff is normal.. just the withdrawal effects frm being off the meds.. all the emotional stuff.. the restlessness.. the brain jolts.. the anxiety.. the stress.. the nightmares.. all apparently normal if you go off the meds.. but they say that happens when u go cold turkey!!! i didn freakin go cold turkey.. i tapered down real slow.. i think..

   so.. the drugs havent completely died inside me yet.. still hasnt been fully metabolized.. still sitting around there causing havoc.. thats allright.. as long as i dont get depressed again.. im allright.. im good.. ok im scared.. but im trying to think good things..

   i hope for the best.. thatsall.. i just hope for the best.. and im so anxious and stressed.. over the smallest things.. im not sure how this is gn affect my next few weeks.. i think it'll be allright.. it should be fine.. i also think i shud see a doctor.. just to make sure im ok...

im grieving for something that hasn't happened yet... is that right? should i even feel this way? even though it hasn't happened yet, im pretty sure its gonna... but does that mean im in the process of making it happen? in which case.. i spose i shouldn't grieve.. but im so full of emotions, both positive and negative.. excitement, joy, grief, pain, pleasure, sorrow, anticipation, depression, sadness, hope, love, thrill, stress..
heh.. as ron said to hermione and harry bout cho.. 'its not possible for someone to feel that much! they'd explode.'

since ive gone off my meds, my head has taken a strange turn.. i feel.. somehow like im feeling the full range of emotions i should be feeling.. yet, i also feel like im feeling too much.. i feel like im feeling what everyone around me is feeling.. or like somehow some of that stuff is getting splashed onto me.. den when someone around me goes from stressed to happy, suddenly i feel ok too... like im this big antenna for emotions.. n emotions flow through me as easily as water flows through a channel.. or electrons flow through a receiver..

i really shudnt have gone off my meds without the proper buffer of therapy.. but i think im doin ok.. now may not be the best time.. but if not now.. when?

i wish i had someone to talk to.. someone i cud really really cry on.. n just let everything out.. all my fears, pain and sorrow.. n just get the comfort i need.. a father figure.. an older brother.. a kindly uncle.. a grandmother.. anyone old, experienced, mature and gentle.. someone wise, who knows the ways of the world, and will comfort me n tell me what to do.. as it is, im taking comfort from silly things like games, food, movies and monk.. i feel like old, wise and experienced people are somewhat lacking in my life..

maybe i can bring them into my life.. and bring only happiness and joy.. i must work on it.. abandon all else and concentrate on just that..